Stuff is about to get real!

OK things are going to get really real on here! Fasten your seat belts!! I have been working through a lot lately and I am so encouraged!

 I have always known to one degree or another that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I have used food like a drug for most of my life. I used it to cover any emotion. Happy, sad, celebration, anxiety, stress!!! You name it, I found an excuse to eat. I started when I was little because I was hurt by someone I really loved and trusted and I used food to protect that little girl from being hurt again. I then used food after my mom died to numb the pain of being left alone. I have since, like I said, used food to cope with one thing or another for all my life.

I read a book a few weeks ago that prompted me to get some outside help. It is called Shades of Hope by Tennie McCarty. It is about food addiction and such an amazing read. I suggest it for everyone because I believe the things taught in their can help everyone. ANYWAY, I am a food addict. It is the reason that even after MANY attempts to lose weight, even weight loss surgery, I sit here overweight! I am an addict and food controls me. Along with that comes other obsessive behaviors of which I will talk about in a minute.

The BIGGEST ah-ha I had while reading this book was that an addict, in their addiction, acts out from their hurt little child. I was (am) living as that hurt little girl who was broken hearted and felt alone and abandoned. CAN YOU IMAGINE I didn't realize this!? I would throw fits if things didn't go my way, I lashed out at those I loved like a spoiled little girl would. Pushing people away, not letting them get too close for fear of getting hurt. Eating away the pain. If I wanted something, I got it with no regards of the consequences. There have been times when as a mother, I felt very much like an older sibling to my kids wondering, WHERE IS THEIR MOM!!! Trying to run a household as an entitled child who doesn't think its fair that She has to do everything, and rewarding herself because she deserves it.

It was a HARSH reality check people.  I was in such denial and so unaware of my behaviors because I didn't want to admit I had a problem. It must be everyone else!

After I had this discovery, I started going to LDS Addiction Recovery meetings. It is the church's 12 step program. I have gone to one in the past but convinced myself I "wasn't that sick". The group I attend is for food addicts in particular. I have learned SO much already! It is so great to have a group to share that understands how I feel.

I know that everyone to some extent uses food to cope, but mine is an obsession. What will I eat today, tomorrow, next week. Fantasizing about the taste, texture, smell of my next meal. Menu planning and shopping for food when we already have plenty to eat. Having more food than my cupboards can hold. Obsessing about calories and the number on the scale.

An addict finds ANY reason to justify his or her habits. I would eat if I went over calories for the day, eat if I had a good or bad number on the scale, eat if I didn't eat exactly what I had planned for the day. There was a point that I had Rob LOCK the fridge and pantry before he went to work so I couldn't get in and EAT! Sick!

I wouldn't look in the mirror because I didn't want to see what I had done to myself. Days would go by and I wouldn't have even looked at myself.

So now I can say with hope, that I am on the road to recovering from this disease. The fun part for you? I am going to take you along for the ride.

I am going to try to document this journey and if for no other reason show myself how far I have come and heal that hurt little out of control girl!!!

I will post tomorrow about What I am going to do specifically. I thank you in advance for your love and support!

Here we go................