Reboot

This post could have been avoided had I read this post I wrote in January.....Sometimes I need to reread what I have already written to remind myself things I already know.... Anyway, Read on.....


So, yesterday was awful! I had seen some pictures of someone who lost weight recently, and that made me wonder how much weight I had lost. So I got on the scale.....I bet you can see where this is going....

It was a downward spiral of emotions, beating myself up, eating things I wouldn't normally eat.

It wasn't pretty....

Then I realized I am again obsessing about the food I am eating.....

Then my sweet friend Lynette called. (I told you she always calls when I need her!!)

She really is an angel I SWEAR IT!

Anyway, She told me change is from the inside out, NOT the outside in. I am focusing on the results and not the change of heart.

It is like pulling weeds from a garden. You have to pull the weeds and the roots for the change to stick. I have pulled the weeds but the roots are still there.

She told me, can you still be a good person if you are overweight? Can you be committed to the gospel where you are now? Can you love yourself right now?

This thought scared me because I felt that meant I was giving up. I felt like accepting and loving myself as is meant that I would be saying it was ok to stay fat.

She told me, you can't make this change to be thin. Again my motivation was on the results NOT the change of heart.

God is not going to ask me, ok what size were you, and how much did you weigh, and did you eat low-carb or high-carb, and did you count your calories.

He cares if I am kind, loving, serve others, keep the commandments, pray, submit to his will, etc.

Those are the things I need to count as successes and the rest will come.

It is easier for me to trust something if I have evidence it is true. My testimony has been built by experiences in my life where I have felt the spirit.

So, I was thinking back to when I was the happiest in my life.

It was the years between 22 and 25.  I retraced my steps and broke down what the habits were that made me so happy. I had gone back to church and I started small and I remember it took a long time, but one thing built on another. Good habits replaced bad ones. I started reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, studying the gospel.

I didn't watch much TV, I didn't have worldly distractions (facebook, pinterest, youtube), I listened to good uplifting music.

And you know what?

I didn't obsess over food, I didn't overeat, I didn't even THINK about food. I ate what I wanted in proper portions and stopped when I was full. I wasn't on a diet at all.

You know why? I was feeding my SOUL.....

In fact I remember when I went in to get my gastric bypass, that morning I was shocked to see that I weighed 314.6 instead of 326 which was the number I had seen for YEARS!!! I wasn't even aware of my weight......

I was focused on my relationship with Christ. I was focused on serving those around me, being kind, loving others, being a good person.

After my surgery my relationship with Christ grew A LOT! I had to surrender to food. I had no where else to focus. It was a great time in my life. I was active, always on the go, rarely if ever sat and did nothing. I was reading, out with friends, I had a tidy house, kept up on laundry and dishes (my two arch enemies), I went to the temple, I was totally reliant on the lord.

I was SO happy during this time in my life. Sure, I longed to find someone to marry, but for the most part, I was truly content.

The lowest weight I got was 219. I felt amazing and confident. I never worried about what others thought of me. I never felt not good enough. I was content and elated that I had changed my life.

Its not to say I didn't struggle. I had struggles. Dating was hard for me. I moved to Orem and felt totally out of place. I broke up with someone I loved very much and truly thought I would marry.

I Didn't medicate with food however. I was strong in my faith and leaned on the lord for support.

My Happiness was a sum total of all the habits I had and the choices I was making.

I had forgotten all that. I had been in such a dark out of control place for so long, that I forgot what makes me happiest is being a disciple of Christ. Doing those seminary answers. Little by little by little. Every good decision leads to more good decisions.

So, I am getting back to that place. I am rebooting and refocusing on what REALLY matters.

I may never be a size 7 until heaven, and that is ok. That isn't what matters.

I am putting away the scale and the food plans.

I am turning off my worldly distractions (Real Housewives I'll miss you).

I am focusing my energy on the Lord and my little piece of heaven here on earth.