Reboot

This post could have been avoided had I read this post I wrote in January.....Sometimes I need to reread what I have already written to remind myself things I already know.... Anyway, Read on.....


So, yesterday was awful! I had seen some pictures of someone who lost weight recently, and that made me wonder how much weight I had lost. So I got on the scale.....I bet you can see where this is going....

It was a downward spiral of emotions, beating myself up, eating things I wouldn't normally eat.

It wasn't pretty....

Then I realized I am again obsessing about the food I am eating.....

Then my sweet friend Lynette called. (I told you she always calls when I need her!!)

She really is an angel I SWEAR IT!

Anyway, She told me change is from the inside out, NOT the outside in. I am focusing on the results and not the change of heart.

It is like pulling weeds from a garden. You have to pull the weeds and the roots for the change to stick. I have pulled the weeds but the roots are still there.

She told me, can you still be a good person if you are overweight? Can you be committed to the gospel where you are now? Can you love yourself right now?

This thought scared me because I felt that meant I was giving up. I felt like accepting and loving myself as is meant that I would be saying it was ok to stay fat.

She told me, you can't make this change to be thin. Again my motivation was on the results NOT the change of heart.

God is not going to ask me, ok what size were you, and how much did you weigh, and did you eat low-carb or high-carb, and did you count your calories.

He cares if I am kind, loving, serve others, keep the commandments, pray, submit to his will, etc.

Those are the things I need to count as successes and the rest will come.

It is easier for me to trust something if I have evidence it is true. My testimony has been built by experiences in my life where I have felt the spirit.

So, I was thinking back to when I was the happiest in my life.

It was the years between 22 and 25.  I retraced my steps and broke down what the habits were that made me so happy. I had gone back to church and I started small and I remember it took a long time, but one thing built on another. Good habits replaced bad ones. I started reading my scriptures, praying, going to church, studying the gospel.

I didn't watch much TV, I didn't have worldly distractions (facebook, pinterest, youtube), I listened to good uplifting music.

And you know what?

I didn't obsess over food, I didn't overeat, I didn't even THINK about food. I ate what I wanted in proper portions and stopped when I was full. I wasn't on a diet at all.

You know why? I was feeding my SOUL.....

In fact I remember when I went in to get my gastric bypass, that morning I was shocked to see that I weighed 314.6 instead of 326 which was the number I had seen for YEARS!!! I wasn't even aware of my weight......

I was focused on my relationship with Christ. I was focused on serving those around me, being kind, loving others, being a good person.

After my surgery my relationship with Christ grew A LOT! I had to surrender to food. I had no where else to focus. It was a great time in my life. I was active, always on the go, rarely if ever sat and did nothing. I was reading, out with friends, I had a tidy house, kept up on laundry and dishes (my two arch enemies), I went to the temple, I was totally reliant on the lord.

I was SO happy during this time in my life. Sure, I longed to find someone to marry, but for the most part, I was truly content.

The lowest weight I got was 219. I felt amazing and confident. I never worried about what others thought of me. I never felt not good enough. I was content and elated that I had changed my life.

Its not to say I didn't struggle. I had struggles. Dating was hard for me. I moved to Orem and felt totally out of place. I broke up with someone I loved very much and truly thought I would marry.

I Didn't medicate with food however. I was strong in my faith and leaned on the lord for support.

My Happiness was a sum total of all the habits I had and the choices I was making.

I had forgotten all that. I had been in such a dark out of control place for so long, that I forgot what makes me happiest is being a disciple of Christ. Doing those seminary answers. Little by little by little. Every good decision leads to more good decisions.

So, I am getting back to that place. I am rebooting and refocusing on what REALLY matters.

I may never be a size 7 until heaven, and that is ok. That isn't what matters.

I am putting away the scale and the food plans.

I am turning off my worldly distractions (Real Housewives I'll miss you).

I am focusing my energy on the Lord and my little piece of heaven here on earth.

What I ate Tuesday?

I personally LOVE seeing what other people eat. Weird I know! I may do these more often because they keep me accountable. Here's what I ate today!

 

 

Breakfast 320 calories 25 grams protein

Snack 140 cal 20 protein

 

 

Lunch 320 cal 15 protein

 

Snack 230 cal 19 protein

Dinner 340 calories 19 protein

Bedtime snack

Not a bad day! Gotta be better about getting in my water!!! Oops....

Happy New Month!! It's April!!

So I have been working and reworking my meal plan (it's not a diet).  The low carb thing wasn't cutting it...AT ALL!

Sure I lost weight, but the obsessions were outta control, I was grumpy, tired, and well there were bodily problems....

ANYWAY, I have been simplifying and going back to basics. I am still doing lower carb, and high protein. Just not NO carb....

Calories in VS. Calories out.

Make smarter choices

No Carbs past 5 pm

LOTS OF WATER!!!

It is WORKING! I don't obsess about food. I choose my food for the week and let it be.

I try to be grateful for whatever I am eating and the fact that I have choices in food.

Here are some favorites I have found lately


Luna Protein Bars
These are tasty!!! A lot of Protein bars are GROSS! I have tried them all. These are really good 12 grams of protein and around 170 calories. I eat these for a quick lunch alongside some cottage cheese, veggies and hummus. YUM!


Peter Pan WHIPPED peanut butter.

I LOVE peanut butter! LOVE IT! This peanut butter is WHIPPED so it has less calories and sugar!! WHOOT! 2 TBSP is 150 calories. That is a savings of 50 calories VS regular peanut butter. It may not seem much of a savings, but those 50 calories ADD UP!!! If you saved just 150 calories a day, you would lose a pound and a quarter in one month!!! That is 15 lbs IN A YEAR!!!! Just by saving a few calories a day!!!



Carbmaster Yogurt (found only at Smiths and Kroger and Ralphs)
Low sugar 3grams, High Protein 12 grams, and 60 calories PER CONTAINER!!!
I was doing Greek Yogurt, but honestly it always still tasted like sour cream to me. Plus it is PRICEY!!! And even Plain greek yogurt has 7 grams of sugar in it. The lowest also was still 100 calories per container and at $1.00 per yogurt (even on sale) It wasn't that wonderful! These little babies are 40 cents each!!! Saving calories and money! Holla!!


Special K Flat bread sandwiches.

I have tried all these flavors. I will be honest, I only like the cheese and Egg one. The others the meat gets hard and isn't all that tasty. Yes I could make this sandwich on my own, but it is so easy to just pop it in the microwave. These are tasty and Quick. You could add your own deli meat, Turkey sausage or veggies if you REALLY wanted. Sometimes I add some tomato or guacamole. I pair this with a yogurt, and half a banana or a clementine for a yummy breakfast. 180 calories, 9 grams of protein, and 16 net carbs.


Muscle Milk LIGHT 100 calorie shakes
I love these protein shakes for on the go snacks! I only drink liquid between meals, and sometimes Water just isn't cutting it! I need something MORE! These are 100 calories, 15 grams of Protein, and 0 grams of sugar. I feel full after this and they are pretty tasty. Kind pricey $1.25 or so per shake. I like the chocolate and the vanilla.  I love these after a workout too to rebuild those muscles!!



  Weight Watchers String cheese.
I love these. They come in regular, jalepeno, smoked, and Colby. They are 50 calories and 6 grams of protein. I use these to bulk up the protein in a meal but save calories. YUM!

What are your favorite new finds???

Happy Easter!

It has been a wonderful Easter! Rob (my sweet hubby) got called to be in the Elder's Quorm Presidency. We got to go to the temple last night and as we sat there, I thought of my feelings about the savior. As you know this journey of mine has brought me closer to the savior than I have been for a long time. To try and put into words how I feel, is hard, but I will try.

I started really trying to make the savior real when I was in High School. I remember seeing the movie Lamb of God, and it stirred in me those feelings of being close to him. It made him real to me. Then I had an AMAZING seminary teacher that really brought Christ to life the year we studied the New Testament. I was a sophomore. He helped me imagine Christ as a real person. I became closer to Christ that year and he became my friend and companion.

As I grew into adulthood and started to question things, and make my own choices, I knew no matter what there were two things I could never deny. #1 I had a Heavenly Father who perfectly created me and loved me. #2 I had a Savior who Loved me and died for me. Even in the depths of some pretty ugly times in my life, I couldn't deny these truths.

When I was 21 I decided to rededicate myself to the gospel, and truly be converted. I wanted to make sure that what I said I believed, I KNEW and could say without question that I had a testimony.

I read my scriptures, prayed, started attending church every week, and took religion classes. I felt the spirit carry me out of the situation I had gotten myself into and back on the straight and narrow.

It was a long and sometimes painful journey as I righted some serious wrongs and cleaned up my life. The whole time I knew my Savior was helping me. The Atonement was real in my life.

A year later as I had my Gastric Bypass and was in a weak place physically, He again carried me and lifted me. There were times I would think "What have I gotten myself into?!" The pain would be hard and I knew I had someone on my team who knew all the pain I had.

Then I got married, got complacent, and distanced myself from the Lord.  It wasn't on purpose, but there were things in my life I felt made me unworthy of his company. It was a hard time that lasted Years, through pregnancies, and it was hard on my marriage to not have that bond with Christ. I felt something was missing.


When I had Sawyer Prematurely and went through so much physically myself, Christ came to heal my heart. This is an excerpt I wrote from the hospital "I am grateful to my savior who died for me that I can be imperfect and gain forgiveness. I am grateful he is here to share my burden and carry me through this. I am so in awe of his sacrifice as I sit here in so much pain, that this is nothing compared to what he went through and he still did it for each and every one of us." The pain I experienced with Sawyer was Unbearable. I remember the nurses telling me I had hit my morphine button 87 times in 1 hour. Whatever they were giving me wasn't strong enough because I was still in SO MUCH PAIN. It was horrible. TO know that Christ felt that and knew what I was going through was SUCH a comfort.


During my pregnancy with Amelia, I really worked to gain that close relationship back with Christ. I took care of all the things I felt were holding me back, and we went back to the temple. I found my Food Addiction group and that was truly the missing piece to my story.

 I am reminded daily that I am not in control. That my Savior is here to make up what I lack. I am not perfect and I can't live this life without him. By following him, and his example, I can do all things. I am not perfect, but through the atonement I can share Christ's perfection. He is truly the way the truth and the light. He will carry our burden if we just ask him to. All we have to do is ask.

There are two stories I just love that express what I love about the savior.

The Room by Joshua Harris

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

 

My Big Brother


When I was just a small child, I had a favorite big brother. He was great to me. He'd put his big arm around me and we'd go scampering down some cool dirt path. At times like this I felt ten feet tall. He didn't seem to mind me tagging along one bit, and there was nothing I liked better.

I was so proud of him! When I was with him I felt like I was beaming stronger than the sun. He was good at everything. I never could seem to match the mountains he made out of sand. Mine always seemed to crumble and sag, but his would stand as firm as the Rocky Mountains.

Dad always tried not to show how proud he was of him...him being the oldest and all, but his smile always seemed to be a bit brighter when my big brother came around.

I felt that my world had collapsed when he went on his mission. Dad and Mom both had to fight back the tears. He called Dad and Mom regularly and let us know how much he loved us. He even told us about how great his mission was, so Mom wouldn't worry.

The persecution was really bad there as the church was just getting started. But he never seemed to let himself get down, even though the people wouldn't believe his message. We'd all share in his joy when he'd get some new converts, but I don't mind saying that I was scared that the nonbelievers would do something to him. It even got to the point where men were plotting to take his life. But Dad never seemed to be worried for some reason.

Then one day we received word that his mission had ended, but not as most men's do. I was struck by the terrifying news.

They finally got hold of my brother. The big brother that I had played with. The one who never seemed capable of doing anything wrong. My big brother who loved everyone he knew, and who most everyone loved.

They beat him and mocked him. He suffered all they did to him without striking back. Why would anyone want to hurt my big brother? I couldn't understand.

A mob took him to a hill just outside of town, and spitting on him, they nailed him alive to a cross. My soul moaned as I heard that he begged father to forgive them. Racked with unbearable pain, he gave up his life for what he believed. My big brother, my king, my idol was dead. I cried though what seemed to be the darkest day of my life. Where was my big brother with whom I had shaped mountains of sand? Why did he of all my brothers have to die like this?

Time passed and I was called on my mission. Sometimes I forget what happened so long ago, but every Sunday a small piece of bread and a small cup of water remind me of what my big brother did for me and assures me that he yet lives.

Author Unknown

I love my Big Brother, My Savior, My advocate with the father, my friend. I am so glad he was willing to die for me. I am grateful that he is willing to lift me still. I am grateful that by his grace he makes up what I lack. I am grateful that he stands and knocks and JUST Keeps KNOCKING, waiting for us to let him in. Most of all I am grateful that he lives and because He lives, I will live again too.

Overwhelmed!!!

I am all about honesty here. I am struggling big time. The kids aren't listening, and they are thwarting my desires for a clean tidy house. Rob is struggling with school this semester so he has been spending extra time working on school work. I feel like I am going crazy!!!

 I am not eating these feelings away though so that is good! I am noticing how much I used food as an escape because MAN I could go for some sugar and treats right now.

I am trying to not escape into TV or the Internet. I need to be present and feel these feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are. I am journaling, spending time with the kids and TRYING to keep a tidy house.

I have piles of laundry to fold and wash, dishes to do and floors to vacuum. It feels good to be present and work through things I would normally eat away.

I leave you with some pictures from my camera....

Sister Naptime

My Cowboy

What a Pretty Baby!

Silly Girl

Happy go lucky

We got a city pass from the Library that got us into the Museum of Natural History, The Discovery Gateway, the Leonardo, and somewhere else we didn't get to....

Happy Kiddos

They LOVE water

Dino footprint

Sawyer took a nap

g

Diggin' Bones

Amelia was not so sure.....

Discovery Gateway, Water AGAIN!!

Ava was looking for mice in the little house

Sawyer is working the register!

My Pretty Girl who is confused by the camera....

Priorities

A philosophy professor once greeted his new class with this object lesson:
He had an empty, clean quart mayonnaise jar that he held up to the class. In this he poured some rocks about the size of a half dollar. He poured them in until the jar was full. Then he asked the class was the jar full indeed. They all answered that it was full.

The professor then took a bag of smaller pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook it so they would fall into the spaces between the larger rocks. The class laughed.

Once again, he asked, "Is the jar full?"

The class all answered again that it was full.

This time he picked up a cup of sand and poured it into the jar. Naturally, it filled up any left spaces as he shook it.

He told his class to recognize that this represented their life. The rocks are the important things such as your family, your partner, your children, your health, or anything so important to you that you would be nearly devastated if you lost it.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter such as your house, job and car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff in life.

If you put the sand or the pebbles in the jar first, there will be no room for the rocks. Same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on small stuff (material things), you will never have any time for the things that are truly most important. Pay attention to the things that are most critical in your life. Tell your spouse you love her, spend time playing with your children, take your spouse out dancing, take time for medical checkups. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.

Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter to you. Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand!

 

 

I read this and though what are my Rocks, pebbles, sand and water??

 

Is Facebook Really a rock? Is that something I want to build my life around?

 

Is Pinning recipes on pinterest more important than spending time with my family?

 

Is stressing about my weight more important than reading my scriptures?

 

Is watching criminal minds more important than doing dishes?

 

I really had to reevaluate and think of my goals and what "Rocks" needed to be in my jar first.

 

Here are my Rocks now:

Prayer

Scripture study

My Family's happiness

My health

 Keeping a clean house of order

 

My pebbles are

Serving others

errands

playtime

learning

music

 

My sand is

meal planning

books

relaxation

 

My water is

Facebook

Pinterest

TV

 

I am defiantly going to keep reminding myself that things are all good when done in priority.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tasty Tuesday-Philly Cheese Steak Stuffed Peppers

Philly Cheese Steak Stuffed Peppers

Ingredients

• 3 Bell peppers (Sliced in half lengthwise )
• 6 Slices (Provolone cheese)
• 1/2lb Roast beef
• 3 cloves Garlic (minced)
• 2 Small onions (Sliced)
• 8oz Mushrooms (Sliced)
• 1 tablespoon Olive oil
• pinch Salt & Pepper

Directions

1.	Add oil to a frying pan over medium heat.
2.	Add onions and mushrooms and toss to soften. Add garlic when soft.
3.	Add beef to one side with a pinch of pepper and a pinch of salt to the veggies.
4.	Keep tossing each around, separately.
5.	In a baking dish add about a half inch of water. Place the peppers in the pan, cut side up. Add a piece of cheese to the bottom of each.
6.	When onions are translucent, toss everything together.
7.	Fill each pepper up with meat mixture, using it all.
8.	Place a piece of cheese over the top of each pepper.
9.	Bake at 400 degrees for 20-30 minutes. You can have a crunchier pepper or a softer pepper. A softer cheese or a crispier cheese. Just watch them!