Forgiveness

" If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean."  -Aldous Huxley

Part of Recovery is that I forgive freely. I need to forgive others who have hurt me or didn't live up to my expectations, and I need to forgive myself for the things I have done wrong.

This doesn't mean that there isn't compensation and remorse for the wrong doings, but that I realise that we are all human and make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are BIG and require more than a small apology.

Once I have forgiven myself or someone else that is it. No need to revisit that hurt or pain OR live in that pain any longer.

That little girl doesn't need to protect herself any more. That little girl isn't in charge anymore. That little girl doesn't need to try to control anything anymore.

I have full faith that I am in my Father 's care. That he is leading the way guiding the ship and I can trust in him.

Bad things will happen. People will mess up. I will mess up.

Because of the beautiful gift of the atonement, I can be forgiven. Then I can turn around and forgive others and share that gift with them.

I am grateful for my savior who was willing to die for me. Who suffered all my dumb decisions. Who truly knows my pain. Who knows what it is like to hurt and have pain. Who knows what it is like to obsess over food. Who knows what it is like to be lonely and alone. To feel abandoned and discarded. To be betrayed by those he loved. I know he knows me and loves me.  I am grateful for the atonement. At this Easter time it is more real to me then ever before. I have someone who has felt as I feel. Who understands my pain and who SUFFERED for me. I am humbled to know that he loved me that much. I know that no matter what it is that is weighing on our hearts he will take our pain and heal us if we only come to him with a broken heart and contrite spirit.

 If it matters to us it matters to him, because WE matter to him.

I have had an amazing week this week! I have had control over my cravings and not let myself go crazy if I messed up. I have been paying attention to my hunger and not eating if I a not hungry. I have been more active and less idle. I am feeling very encouraged! Plus, after 11 years, we got a NEW car today!!! My sweet parents sold us their Dodge Durango for a great deal!!! Whoot!

Relinquishing Control

I'm A Lighthouse

Author Unknown

This is a story of a battleship cruising the Atlantic off the northern coast of Maine one stormy evening.

The commander of the battleship was notified. "Sir, there's a light ahead. Oncoming vessel."

"Signal oncoming vessel, 'Change your course ten degrees to the west.'"

The message was sent, but a light flashed back, "Change your course ten degrees to the east."

The commander barked, "Signal again, 'Change your course ten degrees to the west. I am an admiral."

The light flashed back. "Change your course ten degrees to the east. I'm a seaman third class."

By this time the admiral was incensed as he thundered, "Signal again. 'Change your course ten degrees to the west. I am a battleship."

And the message came back, "Change your course ten degrees to the east. I am a lighthouse."

I love this story because we are SO not in control of our lives. This is something that I have had to accept. I have wanted SO badly to control everyone and everything around me because I felt SO out of control on the inside.

Daily I would wake up and make a to-do list and rarely accomplish what was on it. Not because of lack of desire, but probably to sabotage myself so I could eat. I want an organized happy home. I want things in their place, I want well behaved children. I just wanted someone else to do it so I wasn't held responsible if something went wrong.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. For me it was all or nothing. If I can't accomplish it all today, I won't do anything (Said the spoiled little girl). I would then sit and pout about what a failure I was, how lazy I was. Then I would go eat something then beat myself up for eating the wrong things then eat more etc.

I am not in control, Heaven Father created me and created a plan for my life. Do I really think that he wants me chained up in my mind to these obsessive thoughts??? NO! Do I really think he wants me trapped in my body?? NO! Do I really think he wants me to ABUSE myself with food and hurtful abusive behaviors??? NO!

2 Nephi 2:25 ^aAdam ^bfell that men might be; and men ^care, that they might have ^djoy.

Did you read that? Men are that they might have

JOY!!

That did not say "Annie I made you so that you could abuse yourself and make life miserable with MOMENTS of happiness." It said "I Made you so you could have JOY, peace, Happiness, and Enjoy this precious life I designed JUST FOR YOU!"

I fought to have a body in heaven. I FOUGHT to come down here and receive this beautiful gift that I have been taking for granted. We knew there were things we couldn't do without a body and we FOUGHT to get one.

Heavenly father then went even further to give us a plan to take care of our bodies. He gave us the word of wisdom with the promise that if we followed it, we would Walk and Not be weary, run and not be faint.

I am grateful to a loving MERCIFUL Father who knows me. Who made me and knows my weaknesses. All I had to do was see them for myself and ask for his help.

I know that without him, and my savior I will NEVER break these habits and overcome my weaknesses.

Integrity

So another HARD pill to swallow was to realize I was not living with INTEGRITY. Integrity is when what you say and what you do match. I realized NO one believed me because I had lied so much. I am going to lose weight, I am on this diet, I am exercising, I am eating right.

 

If that were true, I wouldn't be overweight. It hurt that I was a LIAR.

 

I now have to prove that my word is honorable. I need to act in accordance with what I say.

 

I want others to trust me.

 

I want to trust myself.

 

It is my goal to live a life of Integrity. That What I think and say is what I do.

 

Here is my plan of action

 

1. Weigh myself once a month.

 

2. Measure myself once per month.

 

3. Don't count calories instead eat nutrient rich foods in the right amount. Still write down what I eat.

 

4. Cease to be idle. I must keep myself busy. Exercise, cleaning, outside playing, talking with friends, serving others, playing with my kids etc. Watching 1 TV show per day (while folding laundry).

 

5.Spend time with my Savior each day. Inviting the spirit to be with me first thing in the morning.

 

6.Distracting myself when I want to eat. Take a walk, listen to music, dance, take a bath, etc.

 

7. Writing in my journal when feelings come up that I want to eat away.

 

8. Keep reaching out for support.

 

9. Blogging my journey to health.

 

10. Going to meetings to remain accountable.

 

 

I am taking it one moment at a time and trying to live an honest life.

Stuff is about to get real!

OK things are going to get really real on here! Fasten your seat belts!! I have been working through a lot lately and I am so encouraged!

 I have always known to one degree or another that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I have used food like a drug for most of my life. I used it to cover any emotion. Happy, sad, celebration, anxiety, stress!!! You name it, I found an excuse to eat. I started when I was little because I was hurt by someone I really loved and trusted and I used food to protect that little girl from being hurt again. I then used food after my mom died to numb the pain of being left alone. I have since, like I said, used food to cope with one thing or another for all my life.

I read a book a few weeks ago that prompted me to get some outside help. It is called Shades of Hope by Tennie McCarty. It is about food addiction and such an amazing read. I suggest it for everyone because I believe the things taught in their can help everyone. ANYWAY, I am a food addict. It is the reason that even after MANY attempts to lose weight, even weight loss surgery, I sit here overweight! I am an addict and food controls me. Along with that comes other obsessive behaviors of which I will talk about in a minute.

The BIGGEST ah-ha I had while reading this book was that an addict, in their addiction, acts out from their hurt little child. I was (am) living as that hurt little girl who was broken hearted and felt alone and abandoned. CAN YOU IMAGINE I didn't realize this!? I would throw fits if things didn't go my way, I lashed out at those I loved like a spoiled little girl would. Pushing people away, not letting them get too close for fear of getting hurt. Eating away the pain. If I wanted something, I got it with no regards of the consequences. There have been times when as a mother, I felt very much like an older sibling to my kids wondering, WHERE IS THEIR MOM!!! Trying to run a household as an entitled child who doesn't think its fair that She has to do everything, and rewarding herself because she deserves it.

It was a HARSH reality check people.  I was in such denial and so unaware of my behaviors because I didn't want to admit I had a problem. It must be everyone else!

After I had this discovery, I started going to LDS Addiction Recovery meetings. It is the church's 12 step program. I have gone to one in the past but convinced myself I "wasn't that sick". The group I attend is for food addicts in particular. I have learned SO much already! It is so great to have a group to share that understands how I feel.

I know that everyone to some extent uses food to cope, but mine is an obsession. What will I eat today, tomorrow, next week. Fantasizing about the taste, texture, smell of my next meal. Menu planning and shopping for food when we already have plenty to eat. Having more food than my cupboards can hold. Obsessing about calories and the number on the scale.

An addict finds ANY reason to justify his or her habits. I would eat if I went over calories for the day, eat if I had a good or bad number on the scale, eat if I didn't eat exactly what I had planned for the day. There was a point that I had Rob LOCK the fridge and pantry before he went to work so I couldn't get in and EAT! Sick!

I wouldn't look in the mirror because I didn't want to see what I had done to myself. Days would go by and I wouldn't have even looked at myself.

So now I can say with hope, that I am on the road to recovering from this disease. The fun part for you? I am going to take you along for the ride.

I am going to try to document this journey and if for no other reason show myself how far I have come and heal that hurt little out of control girl!!!

I will post tomorrow about What I am going to do specifically. I thank you in advance for your love and support!

Here we go................

Happy

For my 32nd birthday I gave myself a gift;

Acceptance

 

I have hated so many things about myself for so long. I knew it was making me miserable and soon my children would catch on to all my insecurities and it would effect them too.

 

How could I teach them they are perfect and exactly how they should be if I wasn't believing that myself.

 

I compared myself to all the other "Wonder Mom's" and beat myself up because I am a terrible baker, loathe scrapbooking and can't sew to save my life. I pictured my children's lives as having a void because they got a degenerate mother.

 

I know I have written things like this before, but this time

 

I Mean it! 

 

I feel it inside that this time is different.

 

We have been commanded to exercise and eat right.

Not to be a size 6

I like eating fresh healthy food and I love the endorphins I get from working out. I love feeling strong and seeing muscles when I work out.

I need to not get discouraged when the numbers on the scale aren't what I want to see.

 

I saw something on pinterest that said something to the effect of

"The only thing getting in your way is the idea of how it should be"

 

I WAS CAUSING my unhappiness.

 

Not Rob, my family, the gospel.

 

ME

 

I am in charge here and I get to say what "perfect" is for me.

 

My idea of crafting is a hot glue gun

 

My favorite cookies come in a tube

 

My favorite meals are cooked in a crockpot

 

My idea of scrapbooking is sticking pictures in a photo album and putting on some stickers.

 

There is a scene in Friends (yes, the TV show) Where Monica is taking a dance class and the teacher says "You are doing it all wrong" and she says "At least I am doing it!"

 

Success is in the trying!

 

Try to be your best

 

Exercise to be HEALTHY not SKINNY

 

Understand the "WHY" you are doing what you are doing.

 

So, I went and bought some new clothes, accessories, and shoes because I am no longer willing to wait for "when I"

"When I" may never happen and I deserve

 

Happiness NOW!

 

Celebrate where you are.

Enjoy the little things you do each day that bring joy.

 

Celebrate life!

Dance in the rain, play with your kids, make sugar cookies from a tube if you must just

LIVE!

 

Celebrate others where they are.

When you see a chubby girl at the gym, or playing with her kids running around out of breath, instead of looking down on what she is not, think

"At least she's doing it"

I am committing today to accept my flaws, and love who and where I am TODAY!

I am going to see myself as Heavenly Father sees me.

He made me how I am and maybe I drew the chubby straw, but I I need to focus on making me my best self and not worry about what or who I am not.

Now you go out and Do your best too!

 

Favorites on Friday

Here are some of my favorite things as of late


Lara bar!!! I love this flavor the most! 6 grams of protein, all natural ingredients, so good!


Trader Joe's Precooked and PEELED eggs! Love that I don't have to do all that work! Great on the go snack!


Kind bars! All good ingredients!


I lather this stuff all over my kiddos in this yucky winter weather!


this was my christmas gift! tracks how many calories i burn round the clock!

Yummy Post-work out shake!

Tropical Cherry Chiller

5 frozen cherries
1 cup pineapple juice
1 TBSP Greek Yogurt
1 scoop vanilla protein powder
1 Banana

YUM!!!